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okay, life.

Rightio. So, aside from my dry and cynical narrative voice that I seem to be sporting this evening, I would have to say that I'm generally happy. Well, allow me to rephrase - I have a lot of good things going for me. I have a bountiful scholarship/loan combination from University of San Francisco, making money relatively simple for the first semester. How amazing is that? I'm crazy blessed.
I recently lost a good friend in a mess of drama lately, which is truly too bad. I gave her so much credit for being older than her years... Nothing a little boy drama can't reverse. Now she's giving me the cold shouler as if we're in junior high and she's too chicken shit to confront me. Honestly? Wow. Disappointment is a cruel emotion. It's this sick cocktail of sadness and this unfulfilled hope, I suppose. I put too much faith and naive love into a relationship that I should've known better wasn't going to work out. Now I've had to kick a beautiful man out of my home, and break his heart, mine along with it. But I don't show that my heart is broken, heavens no. I'm much better at just moving forward. I can't dwell on a broken heart. Oh, the luxury of a world destroyed. He sat there in my room, he universe crashed down before his very eyes, and he wore it so well. He lived in the moment, he was enveloped in the pain... I could just stand there. He asked me if I ever cry. I just shrugged. The last time I cried was once I was out of jail. Haven't cried since. He seemed offended that this situation didn't match my post-jail breakdown.
Another fortunate aspect of my life - I'm actually getting to go to college :) Like... I can't explain. This is what I've wanted my entire life. It's almost here. I'm just a few months away from getting exactly where I've needed to be my entire life. When I think about leaving this life behind... this life that had so much promise but just wasn't for me, to get back to a life that I know is mine for the taking, with so many more promises with more color, in a land that I'm so much more comfortable in... home. It literally takes my breath away just thinking about it. I feel like I'll finally be back. Like I'll actually exist again.

Just a few more obstacles to overcome and I can finally get the hell out of here.
As this is the dawning of a new decade, thus a very important chapter in my life, I have come up with a set of goals/aspirations, accompanied by one or two or maybe even five guidelines.

+ Fall into a career. Preferably a wholesome one.
+ Fall in love. None of this, "I love you, baby." "...k." nonsense we've allowed ourself to believe is love for the past two decades, NO! Hopefully real love exists and we may be fortunate enough to find it.
+ Fill out at least 5 more notebooks or something to that effect.
+ Be satisfied or content. I will accept either one.
+ Travel to New York.
+ Remain close to someone from High School.
+ Move out of the Valley.
+ Read good books.
+ Remain optimistic and disciplined.
+ Be hopeful.
+ Don't be afraid.
+ View obstacles like the challenges they are, and be prepared to overcome them in their own time.
+ Remember that God will provide.
+ No matter how much we hate ourselves at the time, remember that someone loves us somewhere.
+ Write another play/novel.
+ Graduate college (:
+ Say what you mean, mean what you say.
+ Try and balance our your coffee ratio to match tea from now on.
+ Simply love.
+ Keep it together.
+ Keep it simple.
+ Never let them see you sweat.


Happy New Year

First Song of 2010: 'The Promised Land' by Bruce Springsteen
FIrst Book of 2010: Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.L. Lawrence

Official Resolution(s):
+ Read more books.
+ Write more.
+ Move out.
+ Save money.
+ Steal less.
+ Be on time.
+ Say what I mean, mean what I say.


i'm a piece of shit.

what a strange feeling.

i'm feeling whole.

it's weird.
i've just begun to understand the concept of embracing our failures. and that it's okay to make mistakes.
that i actually need to mess up once in a while to find out how i can do things right.

why have i been fighting this without even knowing?
and all issues of self-consciousness or liw self-esteem have, in perspective, fallen. and they feel minimal... not even worth worrying about for the time being, i suppose.


a house of cards.

3 jobs.
1 school.
2 projects.

this is a clusterfuck waiting to happen.

a contradiction, i know.


beauty and the beast has been and always will be my all time favorite movie.


i wish i could see it again.

Oct. 6th, 2009

angry fight with mom about nothing.
my future looks so bright, i can't wait for it.
i can name at least three people i'll miss here.
organized desk.
novel thoughts.
movies to watch.
cinnamon candles.
cool breeze coming in from the west.
e-mail to write.
clean floor.
exam to study for.
a's to earn.
cd's to label.
life isn't as amazing as it once was - now it's become routiene.
i need a change of scenery.
dear cousin coming for a visit :)
some clarity in life.
glee covers.
how i met your mother reruns.
quoted zoolander all night.


was an amazing night.


Today was a good day, I must say. I talked to a counselor who actually made me feel good about myself for the first time in my short academic career. I actually have a GPA that looks good to prospective school, and I'm almost done with this school out here. Tranferring is in my very near future, and I am so very excited for that :) 
Nic seems just as excited, I hope he is. I don't know why he's so nervous, he's going to be phenomenal at whatever he chooses to do, I know it. I think he's working on an essay right meow. Which is what I should be doing.
I have two envelopes of music ready to be sent back home, to the best friend and to an adopted little sister. i feel like a music pusher =P

Ever since i decided to change my major to English (writing) rather than theatre, I've felt so great about everything. I mean, yes, theatre will have to be put on the side for a little while, but that's something I can be involved with in other aspects of life, not so much education. Plus, I plan on going to USC for my MFA in theatre.

I just know I'm going to look back on these LJ entries and loathe myself for whatever reason. 

Lappy needs to be cleaned out. I hate it when the buttons get all gummy and just stop. working. dammit.